Via Dolorosa

Unconditional forgiveness is one of the hardest, most excruciating lessons to learn. I know because I've walked that Via Dolorosa - screaming, cursing, weeping all the while.

Our daughter was five. She was raped and sodomized several times by a Judas (we THOUGHT he was a friend) living in our home. Of course, we didn't find out about it until after he moved out of our house almost a year after the fact. He fled prosecution, left the state. The state would not pursue the issue, so we hired a private investigator. It only took a couple of weeks to find him. He was extradited, charged and tried. For a week, we sat in court listening to all the ugly details from every possible perspective. It was like fire ants crawling around in my skull hearing my little daughter testify. Her small earnest voice saying, "He made me drink milk from his crotch...His crotch went into mine and it hurt, but it was a little fun."

The jury deliberated for five or six hours and came back. The verdict? Guilty as charged on all charges. At the sentencing a few weeks later, we were given an opportunity to make a statement to the court for the judge's consideration before he passed sentence. This is what I wrote and my husband read:

 MOMENTS

Our lives are simply collections of moments. Most of the 13 million moments of our lives slip unnoticed into the misty anonymity of the past. Some of these moments change a person forever afterward, marking the course of life profoundly. Graduation, marriage, the birth of a daughter, for instance.

When "Ellie" was born, she weighed little more than a small sack of sugar. Her little hands curled tightly around my finger and her dark eyes regarded me sleepily. She snuggled deeply and went to sleep, trusting her safety and her future to me. My life was changed.

Years later, another memorable moment came as I sat in a therapist's office and heard my 5 year old daughter describe pictures that she had drawn of “Joel” and her. Innocent crayon drawings that could be the centerfold of any sleazy porno magazine. Again, my life was changed. So was our daughter's.

The physical damage done to our daughter was minor and is probably as healed over as it will ever be. The financial effect on our family has been considerable, but not staggering. The far-reaching impacts of “Joel’s” crimes are a bit more intangible. Though they may be intangible, these impacts are by no means imperceptible. We were purposefully, maliciously, and systematically used and discarded by this rapist. He won our trust and friendship. In subtle ways, at first, he lied to us and manipulated our children. Eventually, this escalated into full scale intimidation.

In the midst of this, he raped and sodomized our 5 year old daughter and scared her into not telling us about it. The sense of outrageous betrayal is with us now along with anger. How can we ever trust a baby sitter again? Can we ever shelter people in our home again? What would have happened to the next roadside victim if the good Samaritan had been robbed and beaten by the man he had rescued? How can we teach our children to help people in need if we can no longer bring ourselves to help for fear of another betrayal?

Paradoxically, we suffer grief over the loss of “Joel” as a friend, and over the complete waste he has made of his life because he cannot control his darker urges.

Our daughter still wets her bed. Whether this is the effect of abuse or due to some other cause we do not know, but certainly the sexual abuse did not help the situation.

For almost 10 years now, we have poured our lives into our children. We have endeavored to instill in them good values and beliefs, positive self-images, the ability and desire to care for other people, to give and receive love.These children, sheltered, prayed for, home schooled, and regularly taken to church from the time they were born, these same children draw pictures of Godzilla ripping “Joel’s” head off and of Jaws tearing “Joel” to pieces. The word,“Joel” has become their ultimate curse. When angry, they say,"Don't be a ‘Joel’!!" or,"You're just like ‘Joel’!" My children have learned how to hate.

This state is an exquisitely beautiful place, but we don't live here anymore. There are several reasons for this. We thought that living in the same place where the abuses had occurred might constantly remind our children of “Joel”. The hope of helping them get past the abuse was an important factor in our decision to leave the state. If it were not for the crimes of “Joel”, we might still live where we want to live.

As difficult as it was to describe the aforementioned intangible sufferings at the hands of “Joel”, this final blow is even more intangible and perhaps the most far-reaching. As any therapist can tell you, the effects of childhood sexual abuse are insidious and crippling in many areas of life as an adult. Will our daughter be able to give and receive love to/from a husband or to her children? Will she be able to trust men? How much therapy will be needed to ensure the quality of her adult life? Has this man's selfish destructive crime reached out its inky fingers into the future to rob the little boy who will grow up to be our daughter’s husband of a satisfying sex life? None of this can be quantified. We couldn't hope to assess the monetary and other costs involved. But the potential for these injuries is well-documented.

If you take a piece of paper and crumple it in your hand, you can smooth it out, but it is forever changed. The creases and wrinkles will always be there. This man has crumpled our daughter like so much waste paper. It remains to us, as parents, to smooth her out as best we can. She will have to cope for the rest of her life with the creases and wrinkles he has left behind.

There is a vengeful parent inside of me that would urge your Honor to lock this predatory rapist in a cell, but keep the key. Throw away the cell instead, preferably into deep, piranha-infested water. But Christ doesn't teach raw and violent retribution. He teaches forgiveness. My darker urges are under control, unlike those of “Joel”. I will not raise my hand against him.

“Joel” is no longer a danger to my daughters. They are several hundred miles away from here. We have seen him and know him for the menace that he is. Our children will never see him again. They are safe.

This world is full of unsuspecting families with young innocent daughters. Daughters who deserve to grow up unmolested. No family should have to walk the harrowing mile that we have walked. He'll smile. He'll lie. He'll completely beguile them. They'll trust him and then he will strike. And another little girl will be forever crumpled. But this hasn't happened - yet. It can still be prevented.

“Joel” is a very dangerous, very sick individual and he needs help. Left to himself, he is not likely to seek this help out. He will just go on hurting other families and himself. He is a fire out of control, destroying the lives of everyone around him. He must be stopped, for their sake, and for his sake, too. Please incarcerate "Joel." Keep him away from decent families and their daughters for as long as the law allows. Require him to successfully complete therapy for anger control and sex abusers. When he is released, give him strict supervision for a very long time. Our experience tells us that, regardless of therapy, he is not to be trusted.

Please, your Honor, the “Ellies” of the world are counting on you.

Then we handed the judge this statement from "Ellie", in her own handwriting...

I tink yeu shold put “Joel” in jail
til he is a oud man.
sind, “Ellie”

Perhaps it will surprise you to know that we pray for this man. You can pray for him, too. We pray that he finds Jesus as his Savior. No one needs a Savior more than this man. I want him to be in Heaven one day. I saw his life laid waste by his own hand. I grieve for this man who is so very lost. No one is better at salvaging broken lives than Jesus. “Joel” needs to come to the foot of the cross.

Not many years ago, I would have cheerfully torn the skin from his body with my bare hands and rolled his bloody pulp in rock salt. The wrath of man may not accomplish the righteousness of God, but it can FEEL REALLY GOOD!!!

The journey to forgiveness, like most uphill journeys is one of gradual, almost imperceptible progress.I'm not yet sure of all of the steps between vengeance and mercy, but I know that, at least for us, pursuing justice was an important part of the process. Somewhere along the way, we stopped being victims. It became clear (rhema) that the logos of Romans 5 was written just as much for “Joel” as it was for me. God is no respecter of persons. I am no better than he (although I am stronger than he.) I have been able to forgive the man I used to hate and to experience, through God's grace, the truth of Matthew 5.44. I want “Joel” to make it to Heaven. (But, I still don't want his mansion next door to mine!!) Oh, I almost forgot. We won. Rape I, Sodomy I, Sexual Abuse of a Minor. On all counts, guilty, as charged. Sentenced to 40 years in a state penitentiary, to be followed by 20 years of probation.

Forgiving “Joel” was a lengthy, pain-filled process. I had to have him out of my house long enough to feel that my children were safe. Christ worked in me (mostly through supportive friends). There was a discovery process, which took the form of sitting through a week's worth of courtroom testimony and discussion, from every possible perspective, of his crimes against my daughter. Then I faced a dilemma and impossible call to obedience over loving one's enemies. “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” (Matt 5:44)

The breakthrough of forgiveness came at the sentencing. I saw him stand, shackled and handcuffed, before a judge. This judge's decision was to lock him up for the majority of the rest of his life (maximum sentence). What a waste. (When I think of all the lives he could have touched, the tragedy of his missing out on God's incredible plan for his life...I want to weep. The Savior's Heart within me breaks.) And then, in my mind, I saw him stand before another Judge, shackled by the ugly burden of his sins...and then I saw myself stand before that same Judge. But Jesus, the Spotless Lamb came and took upon His strong shoulders, the chains, the burden of my sins. I HAD to forgive “Joel” because I have been forgiven.