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THE Y1K CRISIS
Canterbury, England.
A.D. 999.
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe
as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the
so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently,
hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning
that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now
is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there
is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.
Just how did this
disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one
anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year
would
throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical
verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer,
ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have
to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular
chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations
by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets,
will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at
enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official
event,
from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations,
may be called into question.
"We should
have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael
Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that
THOUSAND contains the word, 'THOU,' which occurs in nearly all
our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now
in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is
bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always
use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The Latin word for
Thousand is 'Mille' which is the same as the Latin for mile.
We won't know whether we are talking about
time or distance!"
Stonemasons are
already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase
for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones,
cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple
effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval
economy into chaos.
A conference of
clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the
entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is
now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of
the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
> Subject: FW:
Y-to-K Date Change Project Status
>
> Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and
on budget.
>
> We have gone through every line of code in every program
in every
> system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files,
including
> backups and historic archives, and modified all data to
reflect the
> change. We are proud to report that we have completed the
"Y-to-K"
> date change mission, and have now implemented all changes
to all
> programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
>
> Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk,
> August, September, October, November, December
>
> As well as:
>
> Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak
> Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
>
> We trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest,
none of
> this Y to K problem has made any sense to us. But we understand
it
> is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any
way possible.
> And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking
of which,
> what do you think we ought to do next year when the two
digit year
> rolls over from 99 to 00? Well await your direction.
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