If you've read the April Fools Day piece on the Days of Grace page, you may be wondering where God has taken us from that frightening place. Wonder no longer. Here, brought to you by the silicon magic of archived email missives, is a journal of how He led us through the Valley of the Shadow and beyond.

God Keeps His Promises 

(written early evening, October 11, 1999...)

Just got back from the doctors(presurgery appointment) X-rays taken this morning were...NOT encouraging. No evidence of the touch of the Lord "Who heals all our diseases." So, I guess He has other plans...ones which I am not privy to(nor enthusiastic about) at this time. But He is STILL good...even though I can neither taste nor see that at this moment. I will STILL praise Him...for to do so yesterday(when things looked good) and not today (when they don't) means nothing. It is not a sacrifice if it costs me nothing. So I will say to you and to anyone in earshot that the great Jehovah-rophe keeps His promises. He loves us beyond our ability to comprehend. And I'm both proud and humbled to be called by His name.

(written morning and afternoon...and evening of October 12)

God has been so faithful to give people words of encouragement and hope for me. A phone message said for us to not dispute the diagnosis but to
disbelieve the the verdict. I sat last night with a circle of precious, faithful sisters, who all went before the throne of Grace on our behalf. We read scripture verses about the faithfulness of God. We lifted up His name, adored Him, and cried out to Him. We made the sacrifice of praise. Two separate people were given words for me...words which amounted to "It is finished. I have done what you asked." Later in the evening, another phonecall, another encouragement. The familiar, comforting voice of a close friend said to read Psalm 27:14. So I did, naturally...along with the rest of the Psalm. Verses 13 &14 taken together really stood out. Then I went back and read Hebrews 11:1 for what seems like the millionth time during the last few days. (note: I carry a 4-translation parallel Bible) So it goes something like this:

Psalm 27:13(NIV)
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living

Psalm 27:14(Amp)
Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage, and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait and hope for and expect the Lord.

Hebrews 11:1(Amp)
Now faith is the assurance(the confirmation, the title-deed) of the things we hope for, being the proof of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality --faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses.

Since then, His peace has settled in me and the burden has fallen from my back. On Thursday morning, the surgery is still scheduled. I choose to believe that God has healed Larry, that they will find no cancer in him, that they will not even touch him with their scalpels and bone saws. I choose to believe in a God Who gives miracles to His beloved children.

There is, of course, a rational, skeptic corner of my mind which attempts to explain all of this away. (well-meaning, but misled friends "hearing" and then speaking what they know I most want to hear...and so on) In the unlikely event that those skeptical thoughts are correct in this case, if the doctors cut Larry open and remove big ugly tumors and most of his lung in the effort, as planned...then He is still God and I will still praise His Name and delight in His matchless grace and trust in His wisdom for our lives.

Above all, I want to see the Holy One glorified in every way possible. I want the world to see how He lavishes extraordinary love on His children.

Continue, please, to believe with us for a miracle to be revealed in Larry's body this Thursday. Praise Him for His faithfulness and kindness to us. Pray that we persevere in our faith and shatter those arrows. Thank Him that Thursday Larry WILL walk away from the hospital with an unopened chest and a clear CT scan.

Is anything too hard or too wonderful for the Lord? Genesis 18:14

For with God nothing is ever impossible, and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment! Luke 1:37

Sometimes Miracles Hide

(written October 15, 1999)

The morning came too early, as it always does when it starts at 4 a.m. We (Larry, Yolonda, and myself) got to the hospital (in Oakland) at 6 for a planned 8:30 surgery. The staff was very cooperative about taking one last X-ray to see if the hand of God had moved miraculously since Monday to make the surgery unnecessary. An ugly white shadow in the lower part of the right lung image gave stark testimony to the fact that it hadn't. For the second time this week I felt like I had just hit a stone wall face-first at 80 mph. Where is my God? Does He know how very many people are watching Him NOT lift a finger to help His child?!

The doctor came out at 9:00. My stubborn heart beat wildly, hoping that this meant that the 8:30 surgery had been called off because of a last minute 'reprieve' from the hand of the God of infinite mercy(and split-second timing!)...not quite. They were just running late.

10:00...same scenario with an unsettling twist. The doctor came to ask a favor of us. Could we please help them out by running the harvested tumors over to UCSF for them...since we might be able to do this faster than a professional courier service. Our stated response was "That depends on how late you guys are about getting them to us and how good your driving instructions are. At least one of us has to be back in San Jose to pick my daughter up afterschool." But the more I think about this, the more it disturbs me. If you wanted to make sure this package was delivered speedily, what would you do? A.) Send two stressed-out, inexperienced patient-family members who are very unfamiliar with San Francisco(having only been there a handful of times since moving into the bay area) equipped with a roadmap, an address and a room number? or B.) call Fed Ex or a medical courier service? If you wanted to save a few bucks, which would you choose?

Due to this and several other small details, I am left with the impression that we are dealing with a K-mart bargain basement sort of hospital.(just don't ask about the 'code blue light' special!!!...) I am glad Larry is in God's hands...because it frightens me to contemplate how else they may be cutting corners and compromising the best interest of their patients.

1:30...I send Yolonda to pick up Holly from school.

1:45...The doctor is back. The tumors were a lot larger than they had thought. (mighta been a good idea to use a CT scan less than two months
old...ANYWAY...) They had to remove the lower and middle lobe of his right lung. They did not attempt the other side, which has only two small tumors, which will be used to monitor the effectiveness of the UCSF autologous vaccine, when it becomes available. I should be able to see him in an hour or so...

3:30...I'm still waiting.

4:30...Still waiting. I've had lots of time to pray, run worst-case-scenario fantasies in my head, wonder why the 'nothing is impossible' God let us down, pray, feel very uncomfortable with the hospital's budget-cutting policies, scream at God, AND (you guessed it) pray.

4:45...They say I can see him now.

5:00...After another 15 minute delay, I finally get to see him. His shoulder hurts because he has a chest tube in his side. He's on oxygen. He's catheterized. He's on morphine. He's lapsing in and out of sleep. He's thirsty and can't have drink yet. To call it 'resting comfortably' would be absurdly laughable. But the worst is over. He's recovering.

And me? I don't know. I'm still fighting that inward battle. One moment screaming at God for disappointing me and, the next, praising Him for His faithfulness and resting in Him. The one thing I have wanted above all out of this whole cancer ordeal is that He be lifted up and glorified. IF I truly believe...

1.)that He is all-powerful,
2.)that He is the God of that never-failing I Corinthians 13 'agape' love,
3.)that He is utterly faithful: a keeper of promises and an answerer of prayers,

AND
4.)that He is Truth, the Author of the unchanging Word of God...

then I have to believe that He has answered our prayers...including our outcry of prayer for Larry. I have to believe that this IS His best, most perfect will for us...the manifest evidence of His great love for us.(even if I don't like it or understand it) I have to believe that the God Who can see around the corners of my future, the God Who has never yet forsaken me still holds us in the engraved palm of His hand. I have to believe Him.

But it's not easy. So I hug my Romans 8:28 to myself like a warm, comfortable security blanket (The really nice thing about using scripture as a security blanket is that it actually offers REAL security, people don't laugh at your immaturity, and it never gets dirty or threadbare.) and rest in His love. I keep going back to lines from that old Bruce Carroll song, "Sometimes Miracles Hide"..."God has wrapped our blessing in disguise"... and this old story, which crossed my inbox months ago....
__________________________

Things Aren't Always As They Seem

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead, the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel
saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had
the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the
farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "How could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him,"
she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die. "

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it." "Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. if you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later...

As Promised: Details

(written October 20, 1999)

When Larry called late Monday morning and said that it looked like he would 'make bail' that afternoon, I was surprised and delighted. By the time I got there, plans had changed. They would keep him one more night. The doctors wanted him to either cough a lot to clear his lungs or to get some exercise to get his system working to clear his lungs. Coughing hurt too much, so we chose the second option...

We asked a doctor about getting a pass to go out for dinner. He said it was 'against hospital policy' and that 'this conversation had...er...never occured.' We talked to the nurse on the floor. She brought us pain medication 'to go' and asked us to please bring her back something from the...uh...'eastern cafeteria annex.' So, with that tacit approval, we went AWOL to a little Berkeley taqueria. Took us over an hour to find our way from Oakland to Berkeley, but it was a wonderful place. We took an order of nachos back for our accomplice-nurse, who said the 'cafeteria annex' was much better than the regular one downstairs...Sneaky and devious (and fun) but, hey, at least he got some exercise...just following 'doctor's orders.'<sly grin>

That night I had nightmares all night about what I had been doing almost everyday (some days twice or more) since Thursday, when Larry had his
surgery...getting hopelessly lost in the Oakland Triangle. (For the uninitiated: The Oakland Triangle is the west coast equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle. There are only three known defenses to the disorienting effects of this Evil Place. 1.) Built-up immunity from <gasp!> years of living locally, 2.) The Dilbert gene, that maddening ability some people have to never ever get lost, no matter how confusing or how poorly labeled the local topography is, or 3.) Prayer. Copious amounts of it. Larry does not understand this great hatred I have for driving in the Triangle. He has the Dilbert gene.)

Tuesday morning. I drive to Oakland for what I hope will be the last time. Not being possessed of remedy #1 or remedy #2, I prayed all the way up the 880. Amazingly enough, I made it to the hospital without getting turned around, suddenly finding myself in the unknown wilds of Alameda or Berkeley, or worse yet, trapped on the Bay Bridge headed unwillingly for San Francisco. Praise God!!!

Normally, hospital discharge is a laborious procedure, requiring final medical tests, a talk with the doctor, the filling of take-home prescriptions, the signing of release forms, and the traditional wheelchair ride to the exit. Most of this went without a hitch. Strangely enough, they couldn't locate a wheelchair for him to ride in. Those of you who were here to pray the other Sunday afternoon may have heard me pray for Larry to 'walk out of the hospital on Thursday.' Well, it might not have been on Thursday, but God DID somehow arrange for a hospital to run out of wheelchairs,(!!!) for Larry to walk out on his own two feet and come home...quite a bit earlier than expected...The doctors are impressed with the speed of his recovery. (They were expecting a week to ten day stay in the hospital.) We got in the car and came home. Since I had the Dilbert gene-endowed Larry as a navigator, we successfully avoided the worst(but not all) of the Oakland Triangle effect and made the trip in record time.

He is moving around quite well, not using too much of the morphine they sent home with him. He visited friends at his workplace this morning and napped this afternoon. The biggest potential hazards he still faces are the threat of post-operative pneumonia, the possible accelerated growth of any unseen tumors(and the ones remaining in the left lung.), and the possible failure of the vaccine culture. He gets staples out on Friday and sees the doctor for a post-op eveluation and progress report on the UCSF vaccine in 2-3 weeks. Keep it all in prayer, please.

God's tender faithfulness to answer the small details of my prayers gives me even more confidence that He has in no way neglected my larger concerns. Going through the surgery IS His good and perfect plan for us...even if it wasn't my plan. If Matthew 7:9-11 is true...that He will not give us stones for bread and serpents for fish, then the converse must also be true. With our limited vision, sometimes we don't know recognize the difference. Sometimes we ASK for stones and vipers. The tricky part is doing what my kids almost never did as toddlers...Trust and be content. Believe that He will give us His best. Always.

 Return To The Oakland Triangle...

(written November 9, 1999)

...at least Larry was driving this time. So, we arrived at the hospital on time for his post-surgery examination without incident or confusion.

The doctors continue to call Larry's recovery 'phenomenal.' He tires a bit more easily than usual but he's able to do almost everything he's accustomed to doing. He's been taking Motrin for pain, but hasn't had to resort to morphine for a couple of weeks, at least.

There's still no news about the status of the UCSF autologous vaccine...so Larry's headed back into surgery next month.(less than a week before his birthday) They will remove the two small tumors from his left lung. This is expected to be MUCH less complicated, with a much shorter recovery time, than last months operation. Still, it IS thoracic surgery, which is a serious matter. So, if you're among those who have been praying for us, don't stop now...and if you haven't been, this is a good time to start.

So, it looks like he'll be free of detectable(and, we hope, ALL) tumors by Christmas. Of course, one of the main concerns here is the possibility of currently UNdetectable tumors growing rapidly and becoming very detectable. The greatest risk of this would be the first six months following surgery. The plan is to use the vaccine, if and when it becomes available, to prevent any recurrence of disease. After five years of negative scans, he will be considered, for all intents and purposes, cancer-free.

 Hope and a Future

(written December 8, 1999)

It wasn't 0dark:30 this time when we left for the hospital. We left at a more manageable 8:30...so that we could meet with the doctor before checking into the Surgery department at 10:30 for a 12:00 operation.

The doctor seemed satisfied with the state of the incision site from the October surgery...but a bit concerned about the large, hard swollen area directly below the incision on Larry's back. He plans to biopsy it during surgery...

The long wait this time is uneventful, though much longer than anticipated. The peace of God is so powerful...it seems a tangible, living thing. I am not worried this time. I don't wander the murky, surreal landscape of waking 'what if...' nightmares. I know that our many prayers for this situation have been answered. But more importantly, I know and walk daily with the One Who answers prayers. I KNOW the One Who holds Larry in His hands and loves him more deeply than I can even imagine. So, the wait is long, but not difficult. I spend my time praying for the people sitting near me and drawing landscapes in my sketchbook.

4:08 The doctor finally emerges. Turns out they didn't actually start the surgery until 3:00. They were able to do surgery laparoscopically...so there's no angry red 10" long stapled incision...just a couple of little ones, I think. They got both of the remaining nodules without incident. There were no ugly surprises...just a successful thoracotomy. The final results on the biopsy aren't back yet, but the doctor seems to think the swollen area is just a hematoma, which will go away on its own. He's in recovery now. In an hour or two, he'll be in ICU and I can see him.

6:30 They finally let me in to see him. He's pale. His sweat reeks of anaesthetics and antiseptics. He's hooked up to oxygen, an IV, a blood pressure machine, and a whole host of arcane medical gadgetry. He's in a LOT of pain. They've given him morphine. They've given him demerol. They've given him more morphine. He's still in a lot of pain...he drifts in and out of an uneasy sleep. But during his waking moments, he whispers words of praise to the Faithful One...because, for the first time in more than two and a half years, that relentless stalking death is gone from him. He is tumor-free.
It takes 5 years of clear CT scans to be considered completely free of cancer. That countdown begins today.

Trying to navigate my way out of the treacherous Oakland Triangle...I ended up somewhere in the nether reaches of Hayward. But that's okay. Jesus rules...even in the Oakland Triangle...and as long as I walk(or drive) with Him, I can never truly be lost. I can rest in Him...even in unfamiliar territory.

Pray Without Ceasing

(written December 10, 1999)

Amazing, the difference a bit of on-the-spot prayer makes...Wednesday's visit with Larry in ICU was mostly 2 hours of watching him alternate
between suffering intense pain and dozing fitfully.

This morning when I saw him, they had put an epidural in for the pain. (before, they had him on 'patient-controlled' morphine. The problem with this was that he had to push a button every 10 minutes...which is hard to keep up with when you're trying to sleep.) He was still hooked up to a dozen machines and was restricted to a clear liquid diet. I was discouraged with the slow progress of his recovery.

So, I prayed...and asked the people I encountered today who have been concerned for him to pray, as well.

Since early afternoon, when I left the hospital, they have taken him off of some of the machines, he has managed to at least double his progress on the lung exerciser, he has been taken completely off of the dietary restrictions, and they've moved him from ICU to TCU(transient care unit)

They may actually let him come home Sunday or Monday. Talk about sudden improvement!!!

The Best Birthday Present Imaginable

(written December 12, 1999) 

Larry turned 38 today. And he got the best present imaginable...He's tumor-free AND he got to come home today!!

The release was uneventful. Accompanied by all four kids, I successfully navigated the Oakland Triangle(I can now get to and from the hospital
without succumbing to the Triangle's disorienting effect. Just don't ask me to deviate from my course to find a restaurant or a gas station...) and arrived at the hospital in time to watch him eat lunch and sign the release papers. They were going to call for the customary wheelchair...but he told them he'd rather walk. And so...he did.

He's home now. Surrounded by sticky, exuberant kid hugs, comfortably ensconced in his warm, soft waterbed, watching videos and feasting on a
sumptuous repast...er..eating a home-made dinner...ah...would you believe...pigging out on junk food?...well it's better than cuisine ala hospital!!!

The UCSF vaccine is still waiting in the wings. He has a post-surgery doctor's appointment on the 20th...In the mean time, preparations continue for one awesome Christmas celebration, one not tinged by the cold grey spectre of terminal cancer or dampened by the consumptive nausea of chemotherapy.

With our hearts so unfettered, this promises to be the brightest Holiday ever, one brimming over with thankfulness and delight in the beauty of His presence.

 From Gravestones to Milestones

(August, 2000)

The staples are gone. Larry doesn't get exhausted by a stroll around the block anymore. His hair, once grayed by immunotherapy chemicals that can't discern the difference between melanOMA and melanIN and therefore attack both, is slowly returning to its original red. He's gone back to working fulltime. His most recent scans came back stamped, ''No evidence of disease." The cancer research links I used to visit almost daily in my desperately relentless search for alternatives to the original 'Go home and die' verdict given to us by the doctors in 1997 are now filed conveniently out of sight. (Hey, some of them may even be outdated by now.) We have successfully passed that crucial 6-month post-sugery milestone. Cancer no longer dominates our day-to-day plans. Still, there are monthly visits to UCSF for vaccine injections, CT scans every 3 months, and the scars.

The scars are not angry red anymore. They're that healed-over lavender/white color. They're thick and uneven, a bas-relief in flesh. And they're here to stay. Like the twelve stones from the Jordan that Joshua set up in Gilgal, they are a memorial, a tacit testimony of how the God of incomparable mercy led us through a medical wilderness. It certainly would have been easier on us, both emotionally and physically, if He had just answered our prayers the way we had wanted, with a miraculous immediate healing. The kind where you get those dramatic before-and-after MRI's, the ones that awe doctors. But that wasn't the kind of miracle He wanted to give us. Showy. Loud. Conspicuous. Easily forgotten. What He gave us was the quiet, hidden miracle of changed, strengthened hearts and unshakeable trust in Him. A miracle that will never be forgotten...not as long as we can touch our Gilgal, the scars, the milestones of our miracleladen journey to that bright land of promise.